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[18 Oct 2003|06:33pm] |
I'm sorry for bringing you down.
I'm sorry for driving you crazy.
I'm sorry for being selfish and never thinking about other people before me.
I'm sorry for being a prude.
I'm sorry for not being able to be everything I want to be for you.
I'm sorry for failing you.
I'm sorry for dissappointing you.
I'm sorry for expecting too much.
I'm sorry for being a basketcase.
I'm sorry for driving you away.
I'm sorry for being dramatic.
I'm sorry for giving you more problems to deal with.
I'm sorry for never knowing what to do or say.
I'm sorry for running away.
I'm sorry for everything.
I'm sorry I can't handle my life.
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| ...... |
[08 Sep 2003|02:41pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 groggy |
] |
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOHANNA!!!!!!
I LOVE YOU!!!!!
Thank you, that is all.
=)
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| To James. |
[02 Sep 2003|04:38pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 nostalgic |
] |
Happy One Year Anniversary.
(+ 1 day)
=)
I love you. <3
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| A Dedication. |
[28 Aug 2003|03:31pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crushed |
] |
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless
Lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure
Of walking in your shoes
Caught in the undertow
Just caught in the undertow
Every step that I take is
Another mistake to you
Caught in the undertow
Just caught in the undertow
I've
Become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you
Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly
Afraid to lose control
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
Caught in the undertow
Just caught in the undertow
Every step that I take is
Another mistake to you
Caught in the undertow
Just caught in the undertow
And every second I waste
Is more than I can take
I've
Become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you
But I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me
With someone disappointed in you
I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you
I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
Tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
Tired of being what you want me to be
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| Blah. |
[27 Aug 2003|03:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 rushed |
] |
You are Loss.
Your life defines tragedy. You have experienced
great hardships on an unimaginable scale and it
has jaded your view of life.
What Emotion Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
"When Doves Cry" (by Prince)
How could you just leave me standing,
Alone in a world so cold?
Maybe you're just too demanding.
Maybe I'm just like my father--too bold.
Maybe you're just like my mother.
She's never satisfied.
Why do we scream at each other?
This is what it sounds like,
When doves cry.
Which 80's Song Fits You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Both.....so true.
Yesterday I worked from 7:30 in the morning until 4 in the afternoon. I did shipment from 7:30-10, then from 10-12 I placed all the shipment while working the floor, then I took my lunch at 12, then from 12:30 until 4, I cleaned and organized the backroom. While I ws doing all of this, both Jodi, my district manager, AND Sharron, my REGIONAL were in the store. After I left Jodi was giving me huge props nd Sharron (who hates everybody) told me what great job I did. Score one for Amy. They also called earlier and asked if I could take a 2-7 on Thursday, but that is my *only* day off this week, and I've got to get all this stuff with Los' room done since my mom only gave me a week. If I work have take that shift, I would have had 33 hours this week, minus whatever we go over at closing at night. I've been getting so many more hours, and gaining more and more respect...I love it. Hopefully this is going somewhere.
Los met me after work and we walked down to the food court and got something to eat. Then we left and stopped at Best Buy on the way home to see about getting the speaker in his car fixed. Then we got home, and no more than 10 minutes later, my mom calls and wants us to go to Ruby's with her. So about 10 minutes later she picks us up and we go eat at Ruby's. On the way home I got a call from James and he was going to come over for a bit. We got home then Los left a little later to go hang out with a boy. James came over around 8 and we just hung out for a bit then we went up to get the new Stitch movie. We went to Target first but they didn't have it, so we just went to the Blockbuster by my house and got Starbucks then came home. He had to be home by 10 so he left right when we got home. Then Los got home, we watched Stitch, and went to bed.
And now I need to go because I'm a moron and just realized that I start at 5 today instead of 6. SHIT. Bye.
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| A Note. |
[25 Aug 2003|04:29pm] |
If I wanted you to know what was going on in my life, I would tell you.
I would like to think that you would have enough courtesy and common sense to not go seeking out my friends to try and pry into something that you don't deserve to know.
Yes, that you don't deserve.
I'm sorry it's come down to me having to be so harsh, but it seems as if you just haven't gotten the point.
Please have the common courtesy to my FRIENDS to not pull them into your problems.
Thank you, and I'm sorry.
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| Stupid observation. |
[13 Aug 2003|05:08pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 dorky |
] |
I've received 626 comments.
Stitch!!!
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| *giggles* |
[11 Aug 2003|02:50am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 giggly |
] |
As you all turn green with envy. :)
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| New Journal Look. |
[08 Aug 2003|02:33am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
So yeah, artistic inspiration struck again.
Kinda' sad, kinda' depressing, but...whatever. It's cute. I like it.
So there.
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| Still haven't found it.... |
[31 Jul 2003|02:27pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
nostalgic |
] |
For ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.2) gaystitchboi.
I have climbed highest mountain
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you
I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertips
It burned like fire
This burning desire
I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
I believe in the kingdom come
Then all the colors will bleed into one
Bleed into one
Well yes I'm still running
You broke the bonds and you
Loosed the chains
Carried the cross
Of my shame
Of my shame
You know I believed it
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for...
-U2, Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
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| One more thing. |
[22 Jul 2003|02:58pm] |
Last night, while I was laying down, it hit me.
me: ...What's the date today?
Los: Well as of now, it's the 22nd.
me: *silence*
The last time I kissed anyone, was exactly three years ago.
Adam flew home July 22nd the first time he was out here. Adam pretty much left my life exactly three years ago.
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| Hmm... |
[28 Jun 2003|02:08am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 okay |
] |
So I took the the first time and got Nigel, the pelican, but I didn't save the results to post them. I just took it again, and I guess my answers ended up changing, because I got:
What Finding Nemo Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
SO true, with me and my mother. Oi.
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| Blehhhhgrf.... |
[24 Jun 2003|09:34pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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blah |
] |
So I'm full-on, totally blah right now. Not good, not bad. Right smack dab in the middle BLAH.
Work was good, despite me constantly worrying about Los and James and how the two of them were doing all day. You know how I am when the people I love are upset...I'm a mess also because I worry. They're both supposed to call me later on.
Today at work I finally got the chance to really talk to Jodi, my district manager. She was asking me questions and stuff, and her last one was, "What can I do for you?" and I knew it was finally my chance to talk to her. So I told her about how I've been waiting and waiting and asking and asking for more opportunities. And the discussion actually went really well I think. So I finally feel better about my job again. For a while I was starting to really, really wonder if they even still wanted me there. But now I feel better.
Someone has been on my mind a LOT lately. And it's really....really starting to freak me out.
I'm off to think. This will either turn out really good, or really bad. My money's on the latter....
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| *yawn* |
[24 Jun 2003|12:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
blah |
] |
So the appraisal guy *finally* came. Grr.
And now for a quickie before work. Another from ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif?v=92.2) question_me. No cut, because I'm a bitch like that.
[You and Others]
Are you special? Everyone's special in their own way.
If yes, what makes you special? If no, then why? Like I said above, everyone's special in their own way. Not sure what mine exactly is, that's something to ask someone else I guess. *shrug*
What attracts you to the opposite (or same) sex? Physically - Eyes, hair, style. Otherwise, overall, personality and the way they present themselves to the outside world.
What do you think makes you appeal to others? *shrug* I have NO idea.
Exactly what makes a person attractive? True, genuine sincerity and concideration for others.
Do you feel comfortable in crowds? If I'm with someone else, yes, usually. If I'm alone, no.
Do you feel comfortable being touched (Hugged etc) by other people? If I know them.
Do you feel comfortable sharing possessions with others? Sure.
Do you feel comfortable trusting others? That's a nice big NO. It takes a LOT for me to trust someone. Major trust issues.
Who, or what, has been the biggest positive influence on your life? James (bmajors13), Los (gaystitchboi), Johanna (whiteburgundy).
Who, or what, has been the biggest negative influence on your life? I think we all know this one.
Who has been the greatest support to you? James (bmajors13), Los (gaystitchboi), Johanna (whiteburgundy), Vanessa, the twins.
Who has been a hindrance or annoyance in your life? Once again, I believe we all know this one.
Do you find it easy to admit your wrong? We all have trouble with it, but yes, I know when to admit my mistakes.
Do you find it easy to apologize? Yes.
[Recent Things]
What was the last dream you remember? ....only one person other than myself knows it. And it's going to stay that way.
What do you think that dream was trying to tell you? I don't know, and I don't think I want to know.
What was the last thing you said to someone? "Okay."
And the purpose for saying it? Getting off the phone with another damn telemarketer.
What was the last good deed you did for someone? Answered some questions this guy had about Evanescence.
What was the last bad turn you did for someone? Stopped talking to this psycho guy with thought he was in love with me.
When was the last time you smiled? Talking to Matt last night.
Why did you smile? He said something really sweet and funny.
Who was the last friend you spoke to? In person: Los. Phone: James. Online: Los & Matt.
What do you think of that friend? Los: Love him to death. Too much to put in a survey question. James: Love him with all my heart, the other me, once again, far too much to put in a survey question. Matt: Wonderful new friend...and hopefully more...?
How do you feel now? Bleh.
[Reactions]
How do you react to:
A couple being affectionate together: Jealous.
A homosexual couple being affectionate together: Jealous.
A sex scene on TV/Film: Jealous.
A person in tears before you: happy tears- touched. sad, upset tears- worried and empathetic.
Someone being bullied/attacked: An urge to help.
A tragedy or accident in the News: Shocked.
Some scandal on someone famous/important in the News: *rolls eyes*
Charity advertisements (TV or otherwise): Guilty, because I can't help.
Praise from friends/loved ones: Embarrassed, disbelief.
Insults from friends/loved ones: Self-loathing.
Praise from strangers: Disbelief.
Insults from strangers: Aggravated.
[Opportunity]
If the opportunity came, would you sooner:
Travel to see a long lost old best friend, or a loved one: Loved one.
Go out partying all night or stay in at home: Stay in at home.
Move to live in a new city, or live where you were raised: MOVE TO A NEW CITY.
Date a celebrity, or stick with what you know: I don't care as long as it's a date, heh.
Start a career in music or within acting: Music, hands down.
Become rich or famous: Rich. I don't care if anyone knows who I am.
Live within a large house or small apartment: Large house, but only if I'm living with someone else. If I'm alone, small apartment.
Marry young and live happily ever after, or have multiple fun flings forever: Marry young and love happily ever after.
Become known for famous or infamous deeds: Heh, *shrug* whatever.
[Song Section]
Name a song that reminds you of :
Friendship: "Gorgeous" - theSTART.
Happiness: "Take My Picture" - Filter.
Love: "I Miss You" - Incubus.
Lust/sex: "Waking Up Beside You" - Stabbing Westward.
Excitement: "The World Is New" - Save Ferris.
Anger: "Vulcan" - Snake River Conspiracy.
Hate: "The Thing I Hate" - Stabbing Westward.
Revenge: "On Your Way Down" - Stabbing Westward.
Worry/Anxiety: "Crushing Me" - Stabbing Westward.
Depression: "Colorblind" - Counting Crows.
Death: "Goodbye" - Stabbing Westward.
Life: "Haunted" - Evanescence.
And a song that:
Cheers you up: Anything by theSTART.
Makes you depressed: My Immortal - Evanescence.
You dance to: Shakedown! - theSTART.
You play whilst travelling: Anything.
Reminds you of a loved one: Gorgeous - theSTART (James), Lovesong, Boys Don't Cry - The Cure (Los), The Unforgiven - Metallica (Johanna), and I can go ON and ON and ON.
Reminds you of yourself: Away From Me - Evanescence.
[The Future]
What are you going to do after this? Hurry and get ready for work.
What are you going to do tomorrow? Most likely nothing. Day off and no plans.
What are your plans for the next five years? Dear god, like I know that.
What do you honestly think will happen in another five years? NO fucking clue.
Have you changed within the past five years? Dramatically.
Do you think you'll change within another five years? Most likely.
What career did you want as a child? Lawyer.
What career do you want now? I don't even know anymore.
Do you want to live to be 100? If I do, cool, if not, ah well.
Do you believe in life after death or reincarnation? In a way.
[Finally]
What do you want now? For James and Los to be happy and get through the troubles they're having now. Materialistically, money.
How are you going to get/do it? Help them in any way I possibly can and more. And get a second job, sell friendship bracelets, stand on the street corner, I don't care, I need it.
What question do you wish you were asked? Who had your money?
How would you answer that question? THE SEA MONKIES!!!
Okay bye.
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| Grrr. |
[24 Jun 2003|10:15am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cranky |
] |
So we're refinancing the house, and the people are coming today to do the inside appraisal and measure and everything. My mom woke me up at 8:30 telling me they were coming at 10 and that I had to be up to let them in since she had to go to work. So I straighted up a little bit, then went back to bed until about 9:45, when I got up and threw something on. It's not almost 10:20, and they're not here.
I COULD BE SLEEPING RIGHT NOW YOU BASTARDS!
Blah.
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| FUCK YOU! |
[23 Jun 2003|02:48pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
aggravated |
] |
*holds ass out for Wells Fargo Bank to bite*
FUCK Wells Fargo. Seriously.
I just checked my credit card and checking accounts to see how much my credit card was over. It's over $233, yes, I know, that's my fault, I haven't had the money to make a payment on it. But then I look at my checking account, and it's-$121!! WHAT THE HELL?! Looks like ANOTHER check that should have gone through at LEAST a month ago went through, and now there is an assload of fees that I have no idea what the hell they are, as well as this "Continuous OD Fee" of $5.00 that they are charging EVERYDAY! Seriously, WHAT is the point of that?! They KNOW I have no money OBVIOUSLY because it's overdrawn! But yet....THEY CHARGE ME MORE! Seriously, WHERE the CRAP is the logic in that?!
Once I get this shit payed off, I am *SO* getting another bank. Actually, fuck that, it's all going under my bed.
Fuck banks.
One more reason I hate the government.
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| "Your presence still lingers here..." |
[22 Jun 2003|06:39pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
blah |
] |
So I think things with Matt are okay now. Hopefully I'm not just being naive, but I'm trying to open myself and trust someone and break through my paranoia issues that I have. So I'm really hoping I'm doing the right thing here. But I think things are okay now. We talked about it (he actually brought it up, which was a plus...he asked if he had given me the impression that he didn't like me...then explained that that was not the case...) so I'm trying to convince myself that he's being honest and things are okay. But my paranoia is still screaming at me inside that I'm going to end up hurt.
I despise the way I am. I really do.
So it's been a few days as far as day-to-day happenings go. Last night when I got home from work, I had just set my bag down when I got a call from James (bmajors13), asking if it was okay if he came over. So he came over and we hung out for a little bit then decided to go over to The Hub since it had been a while since we'd been there. We ended up leaving after about half an hour though since no one we knew was there other than Shannon, a girl I work with who we chatted with for bit before we left. On the way home we stopped and got me some Del Taco (James had gone to Coco's earlier with his friend Suzanne and her mom) then came back and relaxed and watched some of Alice in Wonderland before he left.
Today I was supposed to work 11-4, but since we ended up being 44 hours over for the week and needed to cut back some hours, I left an hour early at 3. Los (gaystitchboi) was meeting me after work and we had originally planned to go over to see Rocky Horror Picture at the Maverick Theater tonight, but when I had called James to find out about the tickets and remind him, he told me they had sold out. Amber (brokenyouth) called me too! I talked to her while I was waiting for Los. I love that girl so much, she is so awesome. Her and a friend are planning a road trip out here in August, and I'm going to talk to my mom and check and see if it's okay if they stay with me. That girl rocks it hardcore, I love her. So then Los and I stopped at Burger King on the way home, then just hung out for a bit and watched Alice in Wonderland and Lilo & Stitch. He just left a bit ago to go over to some guy named Keith's house for a bit, then he's coming back here and staying here again tonight. I wish I could talk my mom into going to Red Robin for dinner when he gets back, but I don't think she has any money, and I have a whole $6. Grr, and I have the biggest craving for some Spinach & Artichoke dip too. Which reminds me, Susana (angeldharma) and I need to get together for lunch soon!
And now, to end this with a little ( fun )
Okay, and we're done. TTFN.
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